fuck me...

My Brother
Sunday, Jan. 25, 2004 05:42

It feels really important for me to be honest right now. Really important. I don't know what to say. Should I say anything? I guess so, but I don't think I know what I would say if given the opportunity, or even if I want to. Right about now I know the following things:

1)My Brother is a Fuckrr of sorts:

-He used to hide around corners and wait for long periods of time until I got there, and then either scream at me or say nothing at all and let his presence be frightening enough.

-He used to hide in my closet and try to scare me when I opened it, or maybe he would just watch me through the crack.

-He used to make me scared to leave the bunk-bed because he would be watching me or grab me on the way down the ladder at night.

-He used to show me his dick for no other reason then because he could.

-He used to put his hand down his pants and then put it in my face.

-He used to pretend to be someone else on ICQ and then scare me for no reason.

-He used to call me a Faggot.

-He tried to kill me with a hammer.

-He used to try his darndest to creep me out.

(don't all brothers do that?)

_________________________

2)My Mother is a Fuckrr of sorts:

-She let him do these things even when I told her I didn't like it

-For not stopping him from making me paranoid schizophrenic.

-For putting herself before me (i know this sounds weird but if you bring a child into this world and decide to take care of it, then fucking take care of it!)

-For saying "If I lose Matthew I'll have nothing left."

-For putting him before me always.

-For being in denial about every bad thing she has ever done.

-For saying "I honestly can't think of one thing I've ever done that has hurt you.">Or something to that effect.

-For pretending she is the perfect mother.

-For naming me after him.

_________________________

I am not comfortable in my own skin right now. I feel weird. I keep reffering to myself as David. It feels weird. When I look at it on the screen it seems weird. An Abomination of everything I try to stand for and stand against. DAVID. MATTHEW DAVID HAVELL. They gave me my brothers middle name. Named me after him, or because of him, or maybe it was some coincidence that both their children happen to have the same name. Either way, even if it was all a 'happy' misunderstanding and the lines of communication got lost, it still feels creepy. Like maybe I should eat it alive or something (?I think maybe later I'll have some toast?) I don't know. I can't talk about this with Paula, or Brittany. It wouldn't feel real with them yet. It doesn't feel real yet. I feel like a liar. A dirty fucking liar who bullshits everyone because he wants pity. I'm not though, I swear. "If I lose Matthew, I'll have nothing." FUCK YOU! What am I? Some random kid you fucking popped out 'cos you had nothing better to do with your time? Buh. I'm tired, its like after 6(one for each eye), and I didn't get much sleep last night. Brittany is going back to London on Monday with her mom. I'm glad she stayed the weekend, I like seeing her. She has black hair and likes beads.

Love...

(?me?)