of his fears realized in the form of memories reliving in the form of dreams saccharine anti-prophetic dreams he touches the water partition seperating him from himself ripples this place pervets the laws of gravity distorts the laws of macrocosm vicious cycles they sting him he punishes him he finds nothing wrong with this? they think all they gave him from him is a little piece of his family but what they don't want to know is that what he got was so much was so much worse paranoid complexes so complex cant look back cant let them know that he knows that he knows just sit there and take it be a good boy and leave your brother alone now that is that dust off your hands mother you've done 'your best' dont worry hunney wont happen again except every night in your dreams every time someone looks at him every time someone glances his way hes scared to the point to the point of irrationality to the point of tears but the tears dried up so long ago and all thats left .... they find their place now for the first time in so so long now too much too late now this is the price of being this is the price of this is the price this is the this is this this is this is the this is the price this is the price of this is the price of being being of price the is this being the price of this i am the price i paid i am the by-product of him he took so much so much so..... m u c h i push through the barricade of water worst fears realized materialized wolves howl in the background in a completely different world dangerous dangerous dangerous so dangerous make a sound make a movement they saunter over fangs bared they bare themselves look away ashamed eyes watching brown fur slicked back turn to run meet their eyes split second lunge ripped torn bleeding skin blocked memories of keeping the wolves at bay materializing under the bed in the closet behind closed doors lights are off hes in the room he knows im there i know hes there cant turn back cant look back eyes can never meet lie there subdued and never realizing it WAS ABUSE! abuse salty discharge trickles from my eyes now for the first time in so... long in so......long used to be empathy became so much like apathy should've seen this coming couldn't see this coming my sentiments were so gone for so long easier not to hurt when you dont have to feel easier - hurt when you - have to feel overwhelming yet strangely familiar
At Bay
Friday, Jan. 30, 2004 06:16
reflections
premonitions
other side
whats to come?
you know whats to come.
you can tell from behind closed doors
and wooden barriers
only lead cannot be penetrated
like super man
although he had some sort of ability
to live through what he had been through
super fucking man
i wish i was
i wish i
i wish
i wish
wish
wishing is for fucking idiots
wishes never come true
work for it
work for
work
work at it
dissacociating
memories
of
sitting on the ceiling
you dont find anything wrong with that
know you dont
because they didnt
no one did
expect you
or did you
no
not at the time
maybe now maybe not
maybe
maybe
maybe
maybe
mayb
may
ma
mat
matt
matth
matthe
matthew david havell
david havell?
no
no no no no no no no non nonononono
i REALLY don't fucking think so.
mary bell?
heh
i like mary bell
but at least she killed
them
didnt make them live with it
she got to be an umbrella
stalking you
watching you
like the wolf used to do
howl and scream and dont meet the gaze
cant meet the gaze
then everything goes so far down the drain
like the turtles
my dad gave away
did he see?
did he notice?
did they all notice?
all brothers do that
:: laughs ::
im sure they do
im sure they all fucking do right?
they find NOTHING wrong with that?
lol
why would they?
hes their pretty little fat son
"if i lose matthew i'll have nothing"
she finds NOTHING wrong with that
evesdropping
on the other line
end of the line
beginning
or maybe somewhere else on the spectrum
not everything
can be all light and dark
white/black
no
shades of grey
grey smoke clouding my vision
pretend that the smoke is making my eyes water
tricksy hobbitses
nobody finds anything WRONG with that????
no, i guess they dont.
no, i guess they
no, i guess
no, i
no,
no, stop
no, stop watching
no, stop watching me
i never thought of saying that
IM AWAKE!!!!
never occured to me
i guess too many
i guess too
everyone does
but it doesnt help
estimations
precipitation
call it rain
but we all know what it is
e.r.a.t.s we all know
jigsaw
jigsaw
ji-saw
j-saw
-saw
i-saw
that
he-saw
and i knew
that i couldnt live with it
blocked it
shoved it in one of the dustier nooks/crannies of my mind
happy new years
surprise
i'll blow your fucking house down.
comments
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