fuck me...

all that jass
Sunday, Apr. 18, 2004 19:16

im so fucking tired of fixing my spelling and grammer, so im not gunna, if u cant read it, just play around with it till it makes sense okay guys? good!

i feel sick.

i love that its spring.

spring is a time for avril lavigne.

i cant remember a time that it wasn't.

i feel like an ice cube in a freezer.

if i could just get out, i could melt, expand, change, and flow.

but i can't.

im in a small compartment without room to move like a chicken in a slaughterhouse.

he expects things from me, and when i refuse, tries to guilt me into giving them to him. to lie down with him, to kiss him, to hug him, to hang out with him, to talk to him. thats not okay, i told him that. at the very beginning, that that wasn't okay. when i'm turned off by someone, its a long-lasting thing. i know he doesn't understand that i'm a survivor of everything. i am so fucked up and thats not even an exaggeration. erin is right, i do lie to myself. because if i didn't, i know i would be so scared of myself. so fucking scared. i dont want to write about it, because i know people will judge me. i didnt see it there before. i never did. im so fucked up. spring makes everything better though. i can walk in spring and listen to avril lavigne and sing and laff and feel strong, avril lavigne is my alanis, my bitter boi music. i do lie to myself. but not about anything BUT the things i cant handle. and it only has to do with my brother. matthew david havell. he came to the door a week ago or something. i saw him. in the flesh. he tried to get in. i thought that i was getting a parcel. im so fucking scared to open the door now. wait, no im not. at all, because i never learn. i would open it again without checking. i would leave it unlocked all night. because i want to see him. i miss him. we had begun building up a relationship. it would be so fucking easy to hate him. we had some laughs together and joked around and were brothers. but brothers dont do that to each other. dont abuse each other. dont try to kill one another. well here is the truth: everyone ready? im so fucked up. i want to run so badly, so fucking badly, just pack up and run as fast as i can and as far as i can but a brand new day never comes in los angelos. when i leave, i leave. like leave town leave. toronto, maple, london, milton, toronto. new cities, new lives, and new me. but i cant leave. there is too much here. and its so fucking stupid to run. because i dont hate it here. i just feel so trapped. my life here doesnt suck at all. i love every minute of it. she makes it feel like i could stay and work through it, i never have before. i promised her so much. and i would think that because of who i am i would feel trapped by that. but i dont. i feel empowered. i have already seen the changes in myself start. and i know i can keep it up. i know she reads this wacky compilation of my insanity, so i guess that this is my way of letting her know that i have NOT forgotten our drug-induced honesty and that i intend to keep all my promises. (but in any case that some of the things we agreed on dont seem like a good idea for her anymore, im fine with that and as long as she tells me then i'll cross it off, cuz i wont know if she dont)

i will try my best to stop manipulating her into hanging out with me or w.e, and i have stopped. its weird and exposey, but its what i have to do. it was hard leaving a message telling her to come over or something if she is depressed, but i did it, because she has to know that if she needs it, im here. even if she is all mopey and depressed, i still enjoy being with her. one snabbit, one kevin, two people. still one, even if two.

i will try my best to tell her the actual story and then what it might as well have been in my head, and i have already. its hard to remember but im trying my best.

i will always be here, even if she needs to run away. cos i get the whole running away thingy. and i meant it. if she runs away and then wants to come back, good! no matter how long, or why or w.e. you cant change the fact that we're a snabbit. can a camel change his spots?

i will de-compartmentalize (is that even a friggin word?) her from my life. she will meet paula, and jessica, and bulma. and she will come with me to london, and meet that guy and kathryn and jessica and probably daniel. she can come see oakridge and the oakridge mall and stuff. and she'll meet baba (the lady who came with the house) and she'll meet rufus/ruffles.

we'll make our zine (kevin)

we'll go thrifting.

we'll make t-shirts

i'll always be as honest as i can

i wont be competitive, and i'm not anymore, cuz i realized that thats left-over from the gr 1-10 days of the paula group dynamique thing, and i realized there is nothing to compete about.

i'll help her clean her apartment.

we'll be nicer to ulentine.

i'll make her her mixed tape (im almost done picking the songs, and i like it cuz they are not 'erin' songs or anything, just songs she does or would enjoy.)

we'll hang out more. (and im trying to initiate that more)

we'll watch q.a.f together!

i'm going to try to remember to e-mail her (but that one is just an idea i have but i may forget since i'm never online anymore)

i'm fighting my fear of fones to make sure we can talk

i'm almost 90% sure i can get a pager.

we wont beomce drug addicts.

i will talk about the abuse more. (its not that i didnt before, i just felt like there was nothing more to say though, but i will tell her about the dreams and stuff and exactly how i feel now)

that she can sleep in my room instead of matthews/her room at my house. (even if i gotta sleep on the floor at first, lol, i like small cozy spaces on the floor =D makes me feel catty )

that she can call me or come to downsview, or i can go there if she feels like cutting or if shes suicidal or depressed.

that i will see ryland as a guy (and i do now)

that i'd help her to learn to ride a bike

that i'd be more cautious with my words, and weigh their meaning first, and how they would be interpreted, and say what i MEAN to say (a.k.a not throwing the word screw-up around, or making stupid jokes that are subconsciously meant to de-sensitize a situation but in the end end up just hurting her)

i wont run away, not like everyone else has. if i ever do feel trapped, which i really dont see happening, i will tell her, and explain everything, and just explain i'd need some space or w.e, in the way i'd want her to explain to me, but that i dont expect.

(this isnt one of them-)i dont expect anything from her at all, besides what she is willing to give me, and im perfectly fine with that.

im going to try my best to help out with her depression, as much as i can. like when she is all depressed, get her away from seclusion and razors and stuff, and let her know that im there.

that we'll celebrate sabbats together.

that we'll go to circle.

that i dont hate her father/parents. (cos i dont. they are good people, who make mistakes, no matter how shitty those mistakes were.)

that i know that she cares and if she is ever an ass or something, than i will bring it up and that i wont hold a grudge, and we can work through that.

that i love her keeper, and blood and body hair. cos its great! at first my male socialization told me that it was out of place, but it just seems so normal now that i wonder were it went if it isnt there lol

that if we want to go back to school we can go school searching.

that we'll hang out in her apartment more

to let her in on the jamie and caelan stuff, cos i realised i dont tell her much, not on purpose, i just thought she didnt care.

that i wont ever judge her.

that i want to know more about how to diminish my male privelage.

that i'll read brazen femme.

that we'll set up a budget.

that we'll try to start eating right.

that we'll start taking pictures together.

(i just got the bright idea of ordering a camera online, heh, brb...)

done, and done, it should be here not to long from now, i also ordered a shirt that says "this is what a feminist looks like"and i got some stickers to put over sexist ads that says 'this offends women' or something, and some that say 'this offends everyone' and some that say like 'my body is mine' and i'll give the last ones to erin, and like half of the other ones to her and we will sticker toronto, i didnt get a lot, like 20 of each. but thats good. and i got 3 pins that say 'punk rock isnt just for your boyfriend' and i'll keep one, give one to casey, and one to erin. and ima cross out punk and write cunt above it.

so yeah, now i will have a cool pretty camera, and i'm make sure roy, i mean ray will buy me a constant flow of film, cos he works at kodak! and he can develop them!

i will make a wall full of stalker pictures of erin! and i want to take pictures ALL THE TIME! like always have a camera loaded, and then we can take pictures to commemorate our creepy shennanigans. then ima make them a seperate diary as a photo journal. =D

i wont ditch her or anything for someone with a cock. cuz what good am i without the other have of the snabbit. its like cutting a worm in half. sure one half will like dick, but........ :| ........ okay, maybe it isnt like cutting a worm in half, and lets pretend that worms dont have tiny worm genitalia... okay? but it would be dumb, cos i would be so lonely and bored. technically i could find some people and be hanging out everyday with them and never talk to her again, but id be so lonely and bored cos shes the only person who gets me 100%. who i can say, "okay and ulentine is spinning around in a gown" and she says "is it white" and i say "YES! OF COURSE" and she says "oh....good! i was worried it wouldnt be." lol

but i've been writing this entry for over an hour and 10 minutes now so i should probably jump into my bed and call her to see if she is still out with amanda swift. anywhos, write you later mr. mcjournal. (i wish i hadn't said that.) oh and i lost my cell phone, so e-mail me for the number if you need it. i think maybe that patty is hiding it and waiting for the right time to ask for ransom, and make me pay the ultimate price.... $12.00 Canadian.


and i promise that i love you and you are my best friend and all that jazz like music that isnt quiet jazz because of the slight popishness to it but it could still technically be classified as jass if you dont know that much about jazz and jazz culture ... you know?

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