fuck me...

M. Shepard
June 26, 2004 2:55 pm

I got this little dream. and in it I'm a superhero. in it I'm a real boy. I have blonde hair down to my lips. and when people see me they say. look, its a prettyboy. (not a prettygirl). I have this vision. in it I can love. I can touch and feel and cry without feeling weak and pathetic. I got this fantasy. and in it I'm not a survivor. in it I don't have obsessive-compulsive disorder. in it I don't have paranoid schizophrenia. in it I can function. in it I want to be something I never will be. I just want to be the boy. everything is so painful when you are questioning everything you've thought. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, and I don't know why I'm still here. why do I bother resisting anymore? I just want to give up on everything. relationships are so much work and being queer isn't something I should have to deal with. maybe I want to walk down the street without being terrified. maybe I want to kiss my prettylover in public without wishing no one would see. maybe I don't want to worry about being bashed at a party I go to with Paula. maybe I don't want to have to deal with asshole men yelling at me from cars. calling me a faggot. but I have to. I have to deal with it everyday. straight men don't. they just don't. they will never understand what its like to be the most threatening thing in the world to almost every man. I'm a threat. because when they see me, they see homosexuality. and when people see that, they automatically assume I want them. these men all assume I want to fuck them. I don't. I don't. and then they need to protect their masculinity right? so how do they do it? bash me. harass me. keep me in my place with looks, words, and fists. or maybe they'll tie me to a fence, beat me, and leave me for dead? if I'm lucky they might do it quickly. so I worry. yes, and I HAVE TO. I don't have the luxury of living my life without fear. I have never experienced sexual violence from anyone that wasn't in my family, and I don't need to be scared of it from random men. but hate crimes. violence fuelled by disgust and hate. that is an everyday fear for me. I am harassed almost every day, sometimes everyday. they can always tell with me. because I don't hide it all the time. but sometimes I do. a lot of the time I sit with my head down, and refuse to make eye-contact, because they might see it as checking them out. and then I'm in danger. its different for everyone. straight womyn, queer womyn, transguys, transgirls, queer men. every single one of them has a completely different experience. not less. not more. just different. that's my opinion. and guess what? if someone has something else to say. then that's THEIR opinion. no one can EVER know what its like for someone else. so no one can EVER convince me that their pain is worse. or what they face is worse. because how do they know? my harassers have ALWAYS been straight people. always. I have never been harassed by a queer guy. I have never been bashed by a queer guy. I have been bashed by girls, guys, people of colour, people of different religions, people from low-income homes. I have privilege. I have white privilege, male privilege, and I have enough money to live. I know this. but all I have is what I would give up if I had the chance. but homophobia is everywhere. in my house, on my street, everywhere. no matter who I'm looking at, if they aren't queer, chances are they are homophobic. and if not, heterosexist. and I don't have to deal with that. so I'm not going to. if someone is actively oppressing me, then fine. lets play it their way. I do my best to be a good person. I try my very best to be inclusive, and I try my very best to keep on living, and not be depressed. because goddess knows there is enough going on to be depressed about. but I don't deserve to die, and I don't deserve to be hated for who I am. I'm not sure how I feel on everything I've learned in the past few months. but what I know is. I have to figure things out for myself. and that's what I've been doing. I've been fighting in my own way. I fight sexism, racism, classism, fatphobia, transphobia, homophobia, biphobia, and ableism. I try my best. that is all anyone can ask of me. I do much more than almost anyone else I know. because I know what oppression is. and I would never wish it on anyone. so I try and try and try. and if its not enough. then, in the words of the most famous person ever: "go to hell".

"there's a riot in the theatre, someone's standing in the isles, screaming that the murderers are everywhere; and their lining up. carving the 'm' in your side" - Thursday - 'M. Shepard'

<<<<< - >>>>>

2002 / 2003 / 2004 / Contact / Pictures / Home / Random Entry / D.land