fuck me...

May 17, 2004 2:11 pm

maybe one day i'll see my boyfriend.


havent seen him in a bajillion years.

i have to stop with the fawky tawky.


and what i mean to say is...

i have to express what i actually mean more.

so lets try that:

i want to see jamie soon. i havent seen him in over a month i think, and i keep trying to call him but hes never home, and there are always messages from him on my fone but i can never get ahold of him when i call him back. i just e-mailed him and told him to call me and maybe we could get together on wednesday. i miss him and love him and am questioning his status on the scale from alive______dead.

its a sliding scale you know, some people are somewhere in the middle. the leaves are out and they are so tricky because i never saw it happen. my throat hurts and i dont think patsy ramsey killed jon bennet. i think it was an outside intruder. who broke in through the basement window through the window that john had kicked in a couple months previous to december when he was locked out. i think the intruder used a stun gun on her and then when she screamed he quickly killed her and stashed her in the cellar. but maybe john and patsy did do it. i dont know. i kind of think i should conduct my own long and thorough investigation. but im not going to. just for time saving sake. im busy all this week and its weird. i need to say what i want to say and do what i want to do. i need to open my mouth and speak my mind and open my ears and just listen. people have a lot to say if you listen. i need to find exactly where i am, and work at that. i've decided on a few things, no thats a lie, im deciding on them as soon as i write them:

1) i am going to try to listen harder.

2) i am going to try to think before i respond to an argument.

3) i am going to try to see jamie more.

4) i am going to try to see paula more.

5) i am going to go out more.

6) i am going to why/because.

7) i am going to learn the art of beating the fucking shit out of v.i.d

8) i am not going to take shit from people and let them take advantage of me like they do.

9) i am going to revert to my original state, just saying what i think when i think it. awkward honesty is my friend and im sorry i ignored it for so long.

10) i am going to do that thing with the confronty of the bisexuality.

and what i mean to say is...

im going to try to deal with my issues.


i am dealing right now. i deal fast. i dont know if i knew that. and by deal fast i mean accept fast. its just my way i guess. i will slay my inhibitions with my one true superpower. levity.

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