fuck me...

paved with gold
May 11, 2004 4:00 pm

i wish i wouldnt feel an innate sense of shame about just being who i am. cant tell anyone. cant say it out loud. i wish i could. i need it to be ripped out of my throat by an angry lesbian bull fighter. im so pathetic. cant even tell the one person who knows me who i am. dance around the issue like im barefoot on the streets paved with gold. i tried. and failed. i tried. and failed. try to bring it up. couldnt. its not easy and i wish people wouldnt think it is. its as hard as the first time. even harder. im so disgusting. or maybe i dont believe that. why dont i believe that? because its not true, i just felt that strongly a few days ago. why did i dance around the topic? because its just weird to talk about because i havent before. why havent you? because i dont want to be invalidated. why do you think you will be invalidated. because i have been recently, and i feel like im stupid. why do you feel stupid? because i dont have words, and i have to stop pretending that i do. why dont you have words? because no one understands that im so fucking damaged that my words are fractions of what i meant to say and people should ask me what i mean. why should they have to ask you? because if they dont, they cant expect the whole equation. why would they want it? because ... i dont know why they would. i wish i knew. i wish i knew. i wish i hadnt updated like 6 times today.

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