fuck me...

its called
May 11, 2004 4:06 pm

its hard to tell the complete truth when if i do everyone will look at me differently. i wish i wasnt 12 again and waiting for university. 5 more years he said, 5 more years. in 5 years i'll be dead. in 5 minutes i'll be dead. i cant see into the future, even 5 minutes into it. all i see is me screwing everything up. i hadnt done it for so long. so long. id been trying so hard not to. but i did. and i regret it. i always feel bad about everything i do. but i didnt do anything wrong. i know that. its called sheer terror about the truth. its called being closeted. its called a shooting pain where my heart should be. its called being so scared that everything is over. its called crying tears of pain instead of sadness. its called dishonesty, not lying. its called two way street. its called fessing up. its called being stupider. its called needing a fresh start. its called shaving my head. its called liking girls. its called trying to stand up for myself. its called loving my brother. its called being a survivor. its called being a faggot. its called being bisexual. its called being an idiot. its called trying as hard as i can. its called no one hearing me scream as loud as this faggot can.

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