in a poly relationship do/esnt mean that i wouldn't - at first i was like not for the idea but when i thought about it i think it owuld be something i w Caelan: I didnt send you that message as a way of comprimising. I dont want to be in a relationship with you. I don't think it could work and it doesn't seem right.
suicide
Saturday, Dec. 27, 2003 10:04 p.m.
Jamie: i understand that - things would be different - that could be a good thing - and just because i've never been
A part of myself is going to die tonight. He thinks I want to be with him. I don't. I do. I don't. I do. I don't. I do. I don't. I do. I don't. I do. I don't. I do. I don't. I don't. Maybe I am lying to myself, but for once that is beside the point. It would be using him. Using him for what I want out of him. Companionship. I would never know if I was with him because I was lonely, or because of him. When the lonliness creeps up it is easy to be attracted to someone because they are attracted to you. I respect Jamie. I won't use him like that. I think I do like him. I think I find him attractive. But I am not sure. And is all of that even enough? Is all of that even enough? IS ANY OF IT ENOUGH? I am not destrought over any of this, just a little confused. He won't call me again, not for a while. He would be too scared. I think subconciously I forced him into this. I was a tricksy hobbitses one would say, one would say. I know it is entirely possibly I made him come forth and be honest. But I don't know if when I came forth and was honest, if I was honest. Okay, I DO like him, but it could be for all the wrong reasons. I think. It started at the hussihop. He looked good. Like... he looked good . I think it ends tonight. Yes, it ends tonight. I knew it was coming, I could feel it. I knew he would tell me, I knew I would get the text message. I was meant to know. But why? Probably so I could shoot him down once and for all? But could I do that? Wouldn't everything have been easier if it was a drunken fuck? A lot more fun too. I could never go back with him. Not only for logical sane person reasons... for the other ones. Because of the 3 people in my head. Because of the one of them that is the most fucked up. Not the racist. Not the idiot. Me. The faggot. The dyke. The queer. I would feel too weird about everything, and that is the bottom line. I know the only time anything could happen is if it just .... you know .... happened. Not discussed or planned, because I cannot function like that. Nor will I ever be able too. Its not my way. I also don't think he wants to be Poly, I think he would be doing it for me, and that would cause some trouble. As in; a LOT of trouble. But this ends tonight. I digress. The end is here. It kinda tingles in my stomach. I'm going to kill myself tonight. I hope I don't cry.
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