Anything having to do with my life at all or anything that wasn't what they wanted me to have, I didn't get. Sure... I got money. I could go buy them myself. But I got mods to pay for and if I want to be a hustler I have to buy some new clothes. I haven't seen Erin for a while. I thought it would be weirdish. You know, see someone everyday for like four months it might be weird not to see them for a while. But I don't think it was a shock at all. I think I am always subconciously thinking that at any second she could just disappear. Go to Bradford, or California, possibly Ottawa or St. Catharines. At first I found it disconcerting, even depressing. Now...not so much. I'm evolving and my bones are reshaping. Particularily my back-bone. Growing stronger and more self-reliant because of all the calcium/iron/vitamins I am getting. I doubt she will be back before another cycle or two. And I am prefectly fine with this. When we first met I thought she was the 'cat's meow'. (Thanks Ulerie for the expression!) I saw a beautiful girl who is strong and independant, brilliantly creative and one smart little asshole. I looked up to her, thought she was this force not to be reckoned with. I still think she is the most amazing person I have ever met; just now, shes at my level. I used to look up to her, now I take off my spiceboots, kneel down a few feet, and look into her eyes:::level. Metaphorically;She's not above me. Physically;She's a couple feet below me. But none of that is the point. I once told patty that yes, erin and I were the same person, two halves of one very attractive whole. But we aren't. We are just really good friends. We understand each other, and I think sometimes it makes me feel like we ARE each other. But I realized yesterday, we aren't. We aren't the same person, we aren't two halves. We are just Erin and Davie. The super-hot-faggots-from-outer-space! So I've changed again, but for the first time it WAS because of her. Everyone thought my self-reflective metamorphasis was because of erin, but it wasn't. Her exsistence just lead me to explore new possibilities. But now, this new change is because of her. It's because I realized that I was to dependant on her,until when I was talking, I would say 'we' instead of 'I'. One of my many complexes. I get attatched to people to easily. I isolate myself from my friends and the world around me until we are the only ones there. Dominica, Jeffery, Kenny, Jennifer, Paula, Marie, Brittany, Jody, Joe-Anne, Mellisa, Erin. Erin. Erin. I used to be afraid I would end up like her, lol. I used to think; uh-oh, if she is the only person i hang out with for the rest of my life, then will she be my ryland...'Next stop, Castle Frank'! 'And by Castle Frank, do you mean; erin?' But that won't happen...no. I'm David/Caelan. I am myself, my own person. I share certain characteristics with others, sure. But thats just it. We SHARE them, but we aren't joint at the hip by them. I love Erin. She is my lucky fuzzy pink rabbit foot star. I used to think that I could only love Paula. I used to think that she was my Mikey. I used to think that I could only love Paula. But I lied. To myself and everyone else. It wasn't that I couldn't, it was that I wouldn't. I will now, and I can. Erin let me see that I can love other people (not to mention date them, lol) and still be a whole person as well as part of a unit.
erin
Thursday, Dec. 25, 2003 8:11 a.m.
I try to throw something out and I miss the garbage can and wonder if I even tried aiming at all. I don't think I did. I do everything half-asses you see. I just assume if I toss myself up into the air I will land right where I want to be. It's all coming into place she said. Of course; that place is nowhere near here. Nowhere near here. I sat with my family for a grueling six hours on 'Christmas Eve'. I looked at each one of them and realized I don't know any of them at all. Not Ulerie, Not Matthew, Not Diana, not my aunt or uncle of papa or cousin. I know Ms.Kitty Fantastico pretty much... then again she is basically the only one in the whole lotofem I can stand. They all bought me gifts. ?gifts? angel season 1 & 2...okay, those were good. buffy season 5, also good. But not what I really needed.
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